Overcoming The Fear of Sharing Your Voice

Every human being desires to be truly heard and understood by those they are closest to. Sadly, many never get a true hearing. We need to feel like we can freely share the innermost thoughts and feelings of our heart. Many have learned early in their lives that sharing thoughts is fraught with blowback and pain. Others experienced less aggressive pushback but learned the lesson that “children are to be seen, not heard.” This early experience can deeply impact our willingness to share and voice as adults. For some, they have been taught to seal their lips, while for others, it has them actively trying to control what others say and what they can’t say. Either way, we need to learn to voice and let others share their voice. Here are four points we both can work on to share our voice and handle those who are trying to shut us down.

Identify What “Cat Got Your Tongue”?

One of the most important reasons we need to share our voice is that it helps us grow self-confidence and belonging with others. The phrase "Cat got your tongue" may have originated from historical instruments of torture, creating a metaphorical link to silenced voices. Reflect on where your voice went – was it taken, learned to give it away, or exchanged for something else? Identify your root trigger, whether it's about feeling lovable, capable, belonging, or safe. Voicing becomes easier once we deal with our root insecurity.

Choose To Be Your Own Conductor

Metaphorically, every choir has a conductor who controls and directs each voice. As adults, it’s time to be the owner of our voice. Take up the baton, intentionally share your voice, and notice how it strengthens you. Follow the patterns of effective conversationalists, and don’t let others take charge of your voice. If someone tries to shut your voice down, address it privately and, if needed, publicly. Help others find out why they feel the need to control your voice.

See Voicing as Connecting, Not Competing

Voicing is about bonding, not boxing. When we see conversations as a means of connecting instead of competing, we elevate our interactions. Men and women may have different communication goals, with men often focusing on maintaining hierarchy and women on bonding. Keep connecting by validating, inquiring deeper, sharing experiences, highlighting universality, edifying, helping others feel better, trusting with secrets, and creating a sense of love, understanding, and safety.

Remember Humans Value What Is Rare

The principle of supply and demand applies to communication – the scarcer the resource (voice), the more valuable it is. Overcome fears by risking, sharing, and stepping out of your comfort zone. People genuinely want to hear the voice of those who don’t share often. Be mindful of goals, and remember that people are more forgiving than you might think. Genuinely sharing your voice can be a significant blessing, as people are interested in listening when you do speak up.